Everyman Cinema, Edinburgh – micro trip report by Froggee (paterfamilias)
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Having survived Peter Pan (the pantomime) unscathed I was feeling cocky. So waking up to a dreich Saturday, I naively suggested going to see Wonka. Normally on a Saturday, Mrs Froggee takes the boys to judo and I stay at home to receive Tesco but, with it being two days before Christmas, there was no judo and we had Waitrose coming between 3pm and 4pm. Getting this delivery slot in itself was a Christmas miracle.
Mrs Froggee showed the boys a trailer for Wonka and it was agreed that they would indeed like to go. We made a verbal contract that if Saturday breakfast pancakes were forgone they could have pancakes at the cinema. Therefore Mrs Froggee made them breakfast cereal instead. I had already emptied the dishwasher and prepared fruit plates and, of course, made Mrs Froggee her ubiquitous cup of tea. Mrs Froggee proceeded to book tickets for the 10:45am showing of Wonka at Everyman Edinburgh. The cost was outrageous with adult tickets being £16.40 and children £11.40. There is a premium of £4.80 for adults and £4.30 for children when compared to the midweek prices. And there is no family ticket available at weekends (normally £30.30). But Mrs Froggee is a member at Everyman so she used member tickets for her and me and paid £22.80 for the boys.
I then felt compelled to look at Everyman Media Group Plc’s accounts and noted that they only made a 0.5% operating margin last year with a substantial loss after financing costs and felt a bit better about things.
After laundry duties, a brief walk, and my now compulsory Duolingo it was almost time to go. It is sad that things have come to this but Mrs Froggee and I discussed toilet strategy, agreeing we would not ask the boys to make peepee before leaving the house given we wished them to do so before entering the cinema anyway.
Shortly before 10am Mrs Froggee told the boys it was time to go and was duly ignored. I barked. Freddo moved. Kermit did not. I remonstrated with Kermit who promptly went to pee. The one time we have a well thought out toilet strategy, Kermit zigs to our zag. Just as Kermit likes it, we were all standing in the vestibule ready to go while he went to look for his coat.
We left at 10:05am and Mrs Froggee was driving. I have a bit of a phobia about the St James Quarter car park and I would really rather not deal with it. Whereas Mrs Froggee has a dinkier car than mine, is a fearless driver, and is happy to crash first and ask questions later.
The drive was uneventful other than while waiting for the traffic lights to change at the bottom of North Bridge, I was busy admiring the Robert Adam designed General Register House when I noticed the poop emoji hotel appearing to stick out the top of it. Like our Lord himself had dropped one on it from up high. I have to admit I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the neoclassical with the neopoopical. But then I am an uncultured cretin.
We arrived at the St James Quarter car park after barely ten minutes and I was relieved to note that 703 of the 1,600 parking spaces were still available. Mrs Froggee then spent longer driving around the car park in search of the perfect parking space than it took us to get there.
We could not have parked closer to the elevator lobby without having had someone’s car towed. I hate the elevators at the St James Quarter. They are even worse than the elevators at the J W Marriott in Singapore. I have no idea who thought it was a good idea to transform an elevator into an immersive multimedia experience but I despise them with a passion unbeknownst to man. Mrs Froggee knows of my strong dislike for the immersive multimedia elevators and, on asking the boys, Kermit said he would be happy to take the stairs as he was not enjoying waiting for the elevator to come. I needed no further invitation so two flights of stairs and four escalators it was. Kermit immediately changed his mind but no takesy backsies. Kermit got his own back by running towards the glass barrier on the top level managing to vicariously trigger my fear of heights. Shudder.
Everyman is cool. It looks like a bar, not a cinema. The first time we went, it required the bartender to show us the popcorn machine before we believed it was indeed a cinema. We took a seat and looked at the menu. A young lady promptly arrived to ask us if we would like to order anything. I mentioned pancakes to which she reacted with some incredulity. Apparently they stopped doing pancakes ages ago. Uh oh. This put us in a position of weakness, the consequence of which was the boys were both allowed cookie dough. The ever opportunistic Freddo even managed to get Mrs Froggee to order a chocolate brownie for herself so he could then form a view on which he preferred. I requested an Americano with a bit of milk and Mrs Froggee had a cup of tea as always. £16.84 after Mrs Froggee’s 10% membership discount was applied.
We went to make team peepee and at 10:40am made our way to screen 1. Screen 1 also has an upstairs seating area but Mrs Froggee had kindly booked the seats in the main section, back row, at the far side. After 25 years working in the financial sector I don’t like the feeling of people being able to sneak up behind me.
We had checked with the boys and counterintuitively Kermit wished to share a couch with Mrs Froggee whereas Freddo wanted his own seat but to sit next to Mrs Froggee. This conveniently was possible with the seating arrangement we had chosen. As a bonus there was nobody anywhere near us.
The young lady appeared with my coffee, a modest pot of milk to share, Mrs Froggee’s “tea”, and her chocolate brownie. The boys obviously started eating the chocolate brownie leaving Mrs Froggee to discover that she had a mug of hot water with sachets of white and brown sugar but no tea bag. The thought of sugar water as a beverage brought back memories of Angela’s Ashes. Book good, movie depressing.
Eventually the young lady returned with the cookie dough and was very apologetic about the tea bag situation. She had not read Angela’s Ashes so I recommended she put it on her list. She came back a minute later clutching an unwrapped tea bag in her hand. Mrs Froggee is not precious about such things and was happy to dunk the tea bag in her now lukewarm water. Make your own cold brew at a cinema near you.
The previews and adverts went on and on and on. And on. It was 11:15am before the actual film started. Freddo was ready to leave by this point. It was not too long before I looked over to see Mrs Froggee sharing her two person couch with both Kermit and Fredddo. I smirked.
At midday I stood up to stretch my back and legs which is another advantage of the back row. Freddo stood up too and came over for a hug. I picked him up as it seemed undignified having his head nestled in my Never Never Lands. After a while Freddo got heavy so I put him down and sat back down. Unfortunately Freddo decided that he liked cuddling so sat on my lap. This was much less comfortable for me than the prior seating arrangement. Mrs Froggee looked over and smirked. Five minutes later “Daddy, I need the toilet”. That would be a fail then on the toilet strategy. Off we went. “Why is the film so long daddy?”. Erm, probably because the director doesn’t have children Freddo and thinks that one hour and 56 minutes is an acceptable amount of time for people to sit still.
We got back to find that I had missed the bit where Hugh Laurie first appeared playing an Oompa Loompa. Sad face. Oh well, at least I had seen some of it previously in the trailer. On being back in the cinema, Freddo engaged huff mode and resumed sitting on me until my back really started to hurt. I then removed the cushion from behind me, sat bolt upright and placed him in front of me. Thankfully this was an acceptable compromise for both of us.
The film eventually ended. Freddo was in such a hurry to leave that no way was he waiting for the lights to come on. He stumbled and fell over. I switched on my watch’s torch so he could escape without further damage. I had been considering going for lunch at the mall but it was rammed. Like Westfield Stratford after a West Ham United match level of busy. So we made our way to the car. I articulated my sadness at missing the bit where Hugh Laurie first appeared. Mrs Froggee informed me that actually the actor is Hugh Grant and gave me one of her trademarked ‘I married an idiot’ looks.
We got to the car park ticket machine. I explained to Kermit that at this point I am always compelled to shout how much. The family in front looked round nervously. We had snuck under three hours so it was only £9.90. “How much!?” Kermit was almost as appalled as me. Luckily money is an abstract concept to Mrs Froggee and parking is just a minor part of her day-to-day cost of doing business so she didn’t even bat an eyelid.
As we sat in the car waiting to exit the car park I commented that it was £40.10 less than the cost of the parking ticket she had received two days prior. Mrs Froggee then subjected me to one of her Vulcan Death Stares which is two categories up from her trademarked ‘I married an idiot’ look and only one below retaining divorce lawyers. Thankfully the traffic lights changed and she had to take her eyes off me and focus on the road.
We got home at 1:30pm and had a late lunch. Freddo clearly had much unspent energy whereas Kermit was happy to slope off and play with his Lego. We got Freddo skipping in the kitchen and, as the rope whirled away, he reminded me of a pocket-sized version of Sylvester Stallone playing Rocky Balboa. I had a eureka moment. We have a dog and a cat for children.
Kermit only likes affection under his conditions. He refuses to do anything for anyone and will only engage in physical activity under fear of death or to inflict pain on others. Meanwhile Freddo is a bundle of energy, constantly seeking companionship, love and cuddles. He desperately wants to please but frequently does not. And if you don’t take Freddo out to burn off energy, he pi$$es on the carpet and chews the furniture.
Pretty much the only thing they both like is having their back rubbed.
The end.
I wish you all a peaceful Christmas.
Thank you @Froggee, this did make me chuckle. I’m enjoying the micro trip reports and I’m sure we’d all be interested to see a guest forum post giving Mrs Froggee’s take on one of your many adventures 😅 Happy Christmas!
Thanks @Froggee ‘neopoopical’ is a masterstroke, have a good Christmas, it is all about the children after all? I’m particularly excited about my 3 year old grandson jumping on my still tender and unstable knee. I have a bottle of port for medicinal purposes, fortunately nobody else likes it so I should fall nicely into the pickled Grandad stereotype by mid-afternoon.
As part of the team that did the tech for SJQ, I apologise for the lift. Pre-booking the car park with the app was supposed to be cheaper than just showing up, maybe try it? I’ve been off the project for some time so perhaps that idea was binned off.
Fantastic as usual @froggee. I hope you all enjoyed the film in the end, and Waitrose brought you something to take away any pain in the afternoon!
What a great Christmas surprise! Thanks @Froggee!
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