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Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, The Festival Theatre, Edinburgh.
{mild spoiler alert on the show}
Family Froggee decided to stay home for Christmas. What with all the strikes, our normally smooth travels might not have gone to plan. And there are many nasty lurgies around too which could have seen us at the doc instead of at the airport.
The boys have been truly awful of late with the nadir being their behaviour on Thursday afternoon when Nanny McPhroggee came to visit. They were positively, completely and intolerably feral and, in Mrs Froggee’s words, were “as bad as the time at the shoe shop”. Thankfully Mrs Froggee anticipated that by the afternoon of Friday the 23rd (two days after school finished) we would wish to break the monotony of Kermit and Freddo’s non-stop bickering and therefore she had booked tickets for the pantomime. When it comes to such matters, Mrs Froggee’s capabilities are the stuff of legend and she bought the tickets almost one year in advance of the show. As it happens, I reviewed my American Express Gold Card statements for 2022 today and, in the January one, I found a charge for £146 from the theatre. As well as a bunch of other charges made on Mrs Froggee’s supplementary card I hadn’t noticed. Note to self – check credit card statements each month. Oh well – I bought tickets almost one year ahead. Go me.
Given Edinburgh’s near perfect winter climate, we obviously decided to walk to the theatre. This was much to Kermit’s consternation. “Why can’t we dwiiiiiiivvvvvvve” he pleaded. Mrs Froggee patiently tried to explain to him that it isn’t particularly easy parking in town. Kermit didn’t appear to accept this rationale which made me grumpy so I called him lazy and shouted at him a bit which did the trick. Freddo was happy to walk as long as he was not forced to wear his mittens. Because Edinburgh has a near perfect winter climate and he wouldn’t want his hands to get too hot you see. I took the win that he was willing to wear a coat. The temperature was a balmy five degrees celsius, there was an invigorating 14 mph easterly breeze, and a refreshing drizzle. Perfecto.
We set off at 13:23. After a modest contretemp as to which was the quicker route to the theatre (a Pyrrhic victory for me) we covered the 0.96 miles in 18 minutes. Kermit made the time fly by with repeated moans about having to walk. Currently Kermit’s favourite reading matter is the ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ series by Cressida Cowell and he now models himself on one of the main characters, Toothless and frequently talks like this dragon. “Me no likey walkie-walkie. Me wanna takea dee car”. I shouted at Kermit some more which is apparently the traditional way to train a dragon according to the first book in the series.
I then took great pleasure in pointing out every time we walked past an available parking space. Kermit asked how much parking would have cost. Mrs Froggee guessed £2.60 an hour so I stated a round £8. “That’s not much” said Kermit. “You are not my son” thought I. I checked later and parking would have cost a ruinous £4.10 an hour. And probably wouldn’t have saved any time. The only other point of note was we walked past a fruiterer selling pomelos for £2.99 – barely a couple of hundred yards from a competitor that sells them for 99p. What a crazy world we live in and so much for the efficient market hypothesis.
We arrived at the Festival Theatre in good time and managed to push through the throngs to our assigned seats plenty early for the 14:00 start. Mrs Froggee had chosen most excellent seats and we were in the front row of the second block of the stalls by the aisle. The downside was we were quite far back from the stage but there were many advantages. We could stretch our legs out fully. Toilet access was unencumbered. There were no issues with my vertically challenged sons seeing the show as there was nobody directly in front of us. And most importantly, we could make a speedy exit at the end. And I could easily extract Freddo should his behaviour warrant removal. Because Edinburgh is a village, Freddo recognised the boy in the family sitting next to us from one year ahead of him at school. But Freddo was too bashful to speak to him.
“How long until it starts daddy?” asked Freddo at 13:50. About ten minutes son. At 14:05, there was an announcement that due to “technical difficulties” there was a delay. This was not taken well by the boys. I considered shouting “Fire” in an attempt to get our money back and end the pain but Mrs Froggee whipped out a doodle board for Kermit and a wordsearch book for Freddo and all was okay. The things Mrs Froggee carries in her backpack never fail to amaze me.
The Festival Theatre is reasonably large and accomodates 1,915 patrons. The bulk of the seats are in the stalls and with the lights dimmed, people incessantly coughing, babies crying and non-working audio-visual entertainment, it very much reminded me of the pre club suite business class cabin in a British Airways 777. The show started 18 minutes late so it could have been worse. I’ve been stuck on a 777 for 12 hours with my children.
True story. Many years ago, my late father went into work on the Monday morning before Christmas. He enquired after a colleague’s weekend and was informed that the colleague had taken his family to the pantomime. My father asked if the colleague had enjoyed it. The colleague and his family had indeed enjoyed the pantomime but commented that there was one irate father there. “Stop it Froggee” he repeatedly said. “Just wait til I get you home Froggee”. “Do that one more time Froggee and YOU WILL REGRET IT”. I am ashamed to admit that, yes, I was that Froggee. Did I mention that Edinburgh is a village? On then being asked about his weekend by the same colleague my father admitted to nothing. Luckily Froggee is a common name for amphibians.
I did not have high hopes for Freddo’s ability to sit still for 2.5 hours. I should have had more faith as he was impressively well behaved. Both boys had suffered with the same cold towards the end of term so I was also worried they might be a bit sneezy but there wasn’t so much as a toot of the nose. With the exception that Freddo farted relentlessly through the show he was very good. And yes, I can smell the difference between Kermit and Freddo’s farts. Normally it is Kermit who is malodorous so I am not sure what went on with Freddo’s lower digestive tract other than he has been rabidly excited about Christmas for the past few days.
I would not wish to spoil the show for those that might be off to see it but it featured more than enough toilet humour to keep my boys thoroughly entertained and enough adult humour to keep me entertained. It did feature seven real life dwarfs although one was taken ill part of the way through the show and was replaced by Scotland’s First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon. I guess we were lucky that she was available at such short notice. There was much super-local humour with a song about the trams making the baddie, Lord Lucifer, “radge”. Lord Lucifer supported Hibernian FC which seems improbable. I had him down as a jambo. Much of this was lost on the boys but it really didn’t matter because the delivery was bang on and the toilet humour kept coming. It was too loud – Kermit spent most of the show covering his ears – but that would be my only real complaint. I’m only content when I’m complaining so I felt a bit let down actually.
At the interval, Mrs Froggee bravely took the boys to the ladies loo saving me much effort. Freddo clearly only did a number one though. On their return, Kermit asked if he could have ice cream. As it is Christmas I took them to get ice creams. When we were in the queue for ice cream Kermit said “Daddy I don’t have any money”. “How were you going to pay for parking then?” I asked. Kermit looked confused. He really can be dopey sometimes. I bought three ice creams for £9 and on getting back to our seats I offered Mrs Froggee the third one saying I did not want it. She accepted it with alacrity. Secretly I did want it. Sad face.
There was more of the same after the interval. The whole thing probably went on about 15 minutes too long based upon the number of children getting restless. It was also getting very stuffy in the theatre and Mrs Froggee (she had also had the same cold as the boys) was getting sleepy. But I can’t argue we didn’t get
ourmy money’s worth. We made a successful break for the exit as the finale was winding up and I reckon we were in the first 50 out. Victory!We walked back via Mrs Froggee’s preferred route which was 0.12 miles further and took four minutes longer than my way. I received two demerits for pointing this out. I got a third demerit for not letting it go. Weirdly Kermit did not complain on the walk home despite the drizzle being promoted to rain status. We arrived home at 17:01. The boys immediately started provoking each other. At least we had 3 hours and 38 minutes without them fighting.
The boys both thoroughly enjoyed the show and I am very sure we will go to next year’s panto which should be back at Edinburgh’s home of pantomime, The King’s Theatre (currently under refurbishment). I’ll keep an eye on my Amex account to check that Mrs Froggee does indeed get round to booking tickets.
The end.
Merry Christmas to all at Headforpoints, even Mr X.
Froggee.
Thank you Froggee for treating us to a Christmas Eve special! Happy Christmas everyone.
I haven’t been to a pantomime for a very long time, but your micro trip brought back memories that I had successfully buried in the deepest recesses of my mind.
I’m glad you and your mini-Froggees enjoyed the show, especially if they were suffering with colds. I’m glad they enjoyed the ice creams, too. Well done too for giving your ice cream to Mrs Froggee
In the spirit of the above, here’s my favourite panto-related joke:
Q: Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?
A: Because eight out of ten owners know that their cats prefer whiskers.Wishing familias Froggee and all at HfP and everyone who reads HfP a very happy Christmas.
Thanks Froggee; a good laugh as always, and Merry Xmas to your amphibious family.
That was fabulous to wake up to on Christmas morning, thank you. Would rather blow torch my genitals than endure a panto so hats off to anyone who can bear it.
Always an enjoyable read! Merry Christmas!
I think I might have just enticed some new subscribers to HfP purely to read your mini trip reports Froggee!
Merry Christmas one and all from the luckily-not-raining-despite-downpour-predictions northwest coast.
I noticed this post last night and decided to keep the read for Xmas morning. It did not disappoint, entertaining as always. Thank you. Wishing all the Froggees a Merry Christmas.
Loved your remark “with the lights dimmed, people incessantly coughing, babies crying and non-working audio-visual entertainment, it very much reminded me of the pre club suite business class cabin in a British Airways 777” Bang on. Happy Christmas. Enjoy it while they are small, those years go past so quickly
Thank you @Froggee for yet another great read and Happy Christmas to you and your anuran family. It sounds as though your boys behaved better than my Mum thought hers did when we went to see Snow White starring Dana many moons ago. My Mum was mortified when two of my brothers sang along very loudly and badly to Dana’s ‘All kinds of everything’.
Much amusing as always.
Merry ChristmasThank you for another enjoyable insight into your family activities and a felicitous seasonal bonus as I near the end of a long working weekend.
A very blessed Christmas to you and your family too !
I’m surprised no one else has mentioned the dwarf references!
In the order in this story:
Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey, Sleepy.
Good job my dear Froggee, good job 👏
Yay. Thank you all.
@Peter_K wins the prize for spotting the dwarf references. Peter – get in touch with Rhys and he’ll sort you out with a free subscription to Headforpoints for calendar year 2023.
My money was on @JDB commenting on this but he’s obviously too busy on his “golfing” holiday in the Costa del Crime. I wonder if he has a couple of baseball bats hidden in his golf bag. You know, for negotiating purposes.
And @Amy_C – you say that now. But I bet once the blowtorch powered up, the only question would be stalls or dress circle.
@Froggee I have been getting in trouble with PC son for using the name ‘Costa del Crime’ or pointing out likely current/former bank robbers – quite a few wearing masks and one even had a stripy jumper, so not even in disguise. Apparently it’s stereotyping or something and very inappropriate.
Yay. Thank you all.
@Peter_K wins the prize for spotting the dwarf references. Peter – get in touch with Rhys and he’ll sort you out with a free subscription to Headforpoints for calendar year 2023.
My money was on @JDB commenting on this but he’s obviously too busy on his “golfing” holiday in the Costa del Crime. I wonder if he has a couple of baseball bats hidden in his golf bag. You know, for negotiating purposes.
And @Amy_C – you say that now. But I bet once the blowtorch powered up, the only question would be stalls or dress circle.
Yay! Free HfP for next year for me. Wait, what do you mean it’s always free? Who have I been paying then since Froggee introduced me to his cousin, Hypnotoad?!?
@JDB if your son is a police office then he is probably gathering intelligence in an undercover capacity and won’t appreciate you identifying the crims in case it draws attention to him. So stop pointing at people in the street and shouting “MURDERER!!!” Mrs Froggee assured me it never goes down well, albeit particularly poorly when it was my father-in-law.
@Peter_K – Hypnotoad says you still owe £19.95 for December.
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