Orlando and California – trip report by Froggee (paterfamilias)

[Froggee]

I tried posting this last week but it disappeared into the ether. It took me ages to type it all out again.

Sad face

Preamble

I did quite well, not waking until shortly after 6am. Given that I was about to embark on my longest holiday since becoming a father I was pleased to have avoided cold sweats. As is my habit, I checked my iPad for the usual British Airways missive about my flight. An email from Virgin Atlantic apologising about today’s delayed service reminded me that we were with the red team this time.

The delay was minimal at half an hour and I could see our plane had long since left Orlando for Edinburgh so all was good. Apart from going on holiday with my children. That was probably not going to be good. We were spending ten nights in Orlando followed by 12 nights with Mrs Froggee’s sister in California. Virgin Atlantic’s direct flight from Edinburgh to Orlando was clearly a winner for the first part.

Booking our flights was a story in itself. We had left it late for summer holiday plans on account of the location of Mrs Froggee’s niece being up in the air. Prices had risen and Avios availability had gone. But Virgin Atlantic’s points seat sale saw me check the Edinburgh to Orlando flight on the off chance there were seats and incredibly they had four available in Premium on the Saturday after the Scottish schools broke up. I booked these for 65,000 points and £1,481.52. I figured we would be able to get something back from somewhere. Time moved on and we did not get something. I panicked and booked backup flights back from Las Vegas but after a few days, realised we did not want to take Freddo to Vegas despite the fact he would undoubtedly be excellent at card counting and I burnt £120 by cancelling so as to provide me with closure on that option.

Then Virgin made three seats in Upper Class from San Francisco to Heathrow available on a suitable date. So, because I am an idiot, I panicked again and called Virgin, got them to split the PNR, cancel my EDI-MCO flight (another £30), and book Mrs Froggee and the boys on a return redemption. I used a Virgin Atlantic credit card voucher to upgrade two of them on the way back so the net damage once taxes and surcharges had been repriced was 201,250 Virgin points + £2,226.54 for the three of them. Not too bad.

There was the small matter of me so I immediately booked a cash fare for the same flights under the impression it was in the then “sale” for £3,046.78. I was aware this was a lot of money for outbound Premium and inbound Upper but at least we were sorted. A couple of days later Virgin released more points seats in Upper Class on the flight back from San Francisco. You can pick a value for Virgin points but, roughly speaking, my panicking resulted in the unnecessarily torching of approximately £1,500. I am an idiot.

I had not finished spending yet as we could not sit together without paying for seats. As there were three available seats in a row which adequately accommodated Mrs Froggee and the boys, the agent was unwilling to give me four in a row without forking out £300. I could not bring myself to do this. A week after booking I realised that no points had been redeemed for the revised flights so I called Virgin Atlantic again to check that all was well. All was not well as the original agent had taken the cash but not the points and perhaps as some sort of apology for the inconvenience I was allowed to buy four seats together at half price – a veritable bargain for £150.

We still needed to get back to Edinburgh from Heathrow so I booked Mrs Froggee and the boys using points for 15,750 Avios and £52.50 on the 8pm flight and myself on a £93.99 cash fare on the final flight of the evening which would allow same day change. The intention was for Mrs Froggee to take the boys from T3 to T5 via flight connections whereas I would clear immigration at Heathrow hopefully using the e-gates, retrieve the bags, drag them to T5 and check them in for the flight up to Edinburgh. If I did this efficiently, I would be able to change onto the same flight as the rest of the family. If not, I would be on the 9:35pm up to Edinburgh by myself. This would limit us to two big suitcases but that was fine.

I am not sure at what point I realised it, but if I were not a complete idiot, I could have just booked the cash fare with a connecting flight up to Edinburgh with Virgin happily interlining my bags for no additional fee. To say I was annoyed at myself was an understatement. Indeed, I was more annoyed than the whole torching £1,500 thing as that was unfortunate but this was sheer dumbness. Virgin then had a proper seat sale and the cash price dropped by a few hundred pounds. I called to see what the price to make a change and add on the Edinburgh connection would be. It was just under £500. If I had not already booked the cash flight, I might have paid this but I am a big believer in the sunk-cost fallacy so I resigned myself to dragging a weight of luggage between terminals that, given Mrs Froggee’s propensity to shop, would probably be heavier than me.

Apologies for the detour.

Edinburgh to Orlando with Virgin Atlantic

With his usual lack of foresight, Kermit had decided to have his birthday on the day we were flying so we dealt with the formalities of that before breakfast and left him to admire his presents while we tidied up the house and finalised the packing. Shortly thereafter he was sent to his room for smacking Freddo who had decided to be especially annoying as his birthday gift to Kermit.

Anyway, our flight was due to depart at 1:20pm so I had booked a minivan with Capital Cars for 10am. At £53.80 this cost quite a bit more than a normal sedan but was guaranteed to take all our bags as well as the car seat I had bought from Smyth’s toys for £35. The minivan turned up on time, we drove to the airport, and the driver got £60 for his troubles. Needless to say, it was pandemonium. First day of the school holidays indeed. The wait to check in for Premium was fairly short but the luggage belt at Edinburgh was having operational difficulties. This was apparently because the passengers (who have to load their own luggage at Edinburgh) had not placed their bags one between each line on the luggage belt. Airport staff were lifting bags off the overloaded belt whilst passengers were putting theirs on. It was comical. Therefore, we were told just to leave our bags lying and to hope for the best. I then had to join a very long queue to drop the boxed car seat at oversize luggage while Mrs Froggee stood with the boys by a large sign asking how our Experience of Edinburgh Airport Was. I don’t think she was being deliberately ironic. It was not lost on me that we were told to abandon our suitcases which we kind of needed but I could not abandon a £35 car seat. Oh no. That had to be handed to the fat man with the moustache. The queue for oversize luggage had two types of people in it – parents and American golfers. The Americans policed queue jumpers admirably while the parents rolled their eyes at their other halves.

Eventually I was allowed to deposit the car seat and we went to Security which I feel is almost always the best face of Edinburgh Airport. We waltzed through the family lane and walked straight up to the belts. We were through in a jiffy and as I had opted to wear chinos rather than my usual jeans the beepy machine thing let me pass. We had decided not to even bother trying to get into a lounge and instead let Prêt à Manger extract the best part of £50 from us for a simple sandwich lunch. For some reason Mrs Froggee always panics at Prêt à Manger and bought three bags of overpriced crisps, and a bunch of patisseries to go with the sandwiches and wraps but forgot her cup of tea. I had a tuna sandwich which cost an obscene £5.50 and promptly received a demerit on returning with it for not seeing the text message asking me to buy tea. When I used to be a hard-working salaryman I could get a sandwich, a mango pot and a cinnamon swirl for less than £5.50.

I sound like my dad.

Anyway. Flight boarding was civilised. I looked longingly at Upper Class but as Freddo entered full on annoying mode, Mrs Froggee and I concurred that Premium was comfortable enough for a day flight. Indeed, without children, Premium would be vastly superior to Upper Class with children. I had done a fair amount of analysis and concluded that a toilet to passenger ratio of 28:1 in Premium would be manageable. Economy class was a barbaric 41:1. Upper was a very acceptable 16:1 but given that there were only 16 upper class seats, that would mean once Kermit had made fire in the hole, there would be 15 Upper Class passengers who would need to find somewhere else to make peepee and poopoo. Probably best we were not in Upper Class.

Somewhat embarrassingly the purser came and introduced himself to me welcoming me back and commenting that I flew more with Virgin Atlantic than some of his part time cabin crew. I am guessing this was the result of me doing a status match as I do not believe I had ever actually flown Virgin Atlantic before. Seeing as he was very keen to please I told him it was Kermit’s birthday and asked if he could perhaps let off some celebratory fireworks.

The plane eventually took off at 2:15pm but we were told that it was a short flight time of eight hours and five minutes therefore we would not be too late. Every single seat on the plane was taken as British Airways had cancelled the Glasgow to Gatwick flight that feeds into their Orlando service and had distilled many of the victims of this cancellation onto our flight. As is generally the case, the flight was fairly uneventful. Service was exceptional – genuinely friendly. Catering was better than I was expecting. I mean it was not great but I would say it pretty much matched British Airways Club World. The boys were happy with the kids’ meal which was chicken nugget based and Mrs Froggee and I both had marginally less processed chicken. We had a very excited little girl in the cabin who had an incredibly loud voice. At one point her father went to the toilet and she ran after him shouting “Daddy where are you going!!!” I got the “daddy” full-on in my right ear which was annoying as after this I could still hear out of my left ear which was the one Freddo had access to. The girl repeatedly asked if we were still on the planet. She whistled. If I had been given a pound for every time her mum shushed her or said “whistling is for outside” then I would have recouped the money I wasted on my suboptimal flight booking.

I would say that the girl was actually more annoying than Freddo but then she was only generally annoying me whereas Freddo was specifically annoying me.

Sad face.

Towards the end of the flight the purser reappeared with a couple of the other cabin crew and sang happy birthday to Kermit and presented him with a slice of cake and a few goodies including a Virgin Atlantic mug which Mrs Froggee immediately bagsied. And the pilot announced Kermit’s birthday on landing which made his day.

Ah yes, we landed. Into a thunder storm. Bouncy bouncy. Freddo kept asking questions. Mrs Froggee did not wish to engage as she was fully focused on not barfing. But we were only 15 minutes late. Until we then sat on the tarmac for an hour and 15 minutes because the people with the table tennis bats were not allowed onto the ramp because of there being lots of lightning which can be a bit deadly and all.

To say that Kermit and Freddo were unamused is an understatement. But we eventually got off the plane and our compensation for sitting on the tarmac for an eternity was an empty immigration hall. We just beat another flight so we made it through in minutes. My plan to try Mobile Passport Control was ditched. The immigration guy was even friendly. And I do not know how they managed it but our bags were already wating for us and were dry. Maybe they can unload bags in thunder and lightning?

Orlando

We made our way to the Hyatt Regency Orland International Airport where check-in was immediate and we had been allocated connecting rooms as requested. The king room cost $220.28 and the room with two queen beds cost $229.89. Bed time was 8pm so only five hours later than normal for Freddo. I was very glad I was not picking up a rental car that night as I was zonked.

The next morning, we paid $52.10 for breakfast from the 24-hour McDonalds at the airport as I did not fancy waiting until 7am at the hotel when breakfast proper started, as opposed to the very limited night breakfast. Yes $52.10 for McDonalds. Despite turning up to the wrong Avis airport location we got our rental car which was £264 from British Airways Holidays for nine days and drove to Loews Portofino Bay Universal Studios. Mrs Froggee had booked this with her Amex Platinum privileges for an outrageous £1,208.99.

For

one

night.

There was a moment of awkwardness when the receptionist thought I did not have a reservation as I gave my surname but I managed to resolve that on remembering it was my lady wife’s name that was needed. The logic for staying here was that the guaranteed 4pm check out offered a smooth transition to our villa’s 4pm check-in and the included breakfast and $100 dining credit were nice, plus two days’ of Universal Studios Express Passes were something I would never pay the demanded several hundred pounds for but might prove to be handy.

The plan was to drop our bags, get the complimentary Universal Express passes and go. But the receptionist kiboshed this plan by telling us our room was ready. Sorry, what? At 9am? Amex FHR status massively over recognised here. She started printing our combined room keys/express passes. I shouted at Kermit to stop running around the foyer. “Is Kermit’s surname also Froggee” said the receptionist not missing a beat. “And what is your younger son’s name?” She then called for their Senior Geust Relations manager who shook Mrs Froggee’s hand, and profusely thanked her for booking with Amex. She giggled. There was a Universal ticket desk at the hotel so we got our tickets issued there and that was us sorted.

We had decided to limit ourselves to Universal Studios theme parks having had enough of Disney last year at Disneyland Paris. I had prebought Universal 3-park explorer tickets for £1,165.25 from Orlando Attractions. They were cheaper than anyone else I looked at. I would use them again in a heartbeat.

We went up to our Minions’ Suite. The Minions’ suite made Freddo very happy. I was relieved at this as I had been concerned that the boys would find all the eyeballs spooky and refuse to sleep there. The boys’ room was literally full-on Minion. We paused for breath and then went to Universal Studios via the hotel’s complimentary water taxi. Kermit immediately declared it too hot and entered huff mode. Freddo refused to take a family selfie in front of the Universal Studios Globe. We had a disappointing lunch at 11am at Mel’s Diner costing $60.98 for four meals and one coffee. Mrs Froggee did not have tea as there was no option to serve it with milk. Mrs Froggee was most aggrieved at this. We then did a couple of rides and a show. But it was too hot and we were too tired. And the sky was looking dark. We decided it was best to return to the hotel. We waited for our water taxi but after a while we were told that they were all cancelled because of the weather. Lightning dangerous on water taxis too. It was not raining yet so we thought we would walk back to the hotel. We ended up getting stuck in torrential rain, hiding under a small storm shelter while Kermit seethed and an Irish family stressed about their taxi which was due in 20 minutes at Hard Rock Hotel to take them to the airport. Kermit was raging and wanted to walk in the rain as at least “he wouldn’t be too hot then”. We waited. Kermit raged more. Eventually the rain, eased off and we walked back to the hotel being forced to take a bonus detour because of construction work. Kermit particularly appreciated this.

The day was a bit of a fail really.

Dinner was too much pizza from the in-house “trattoria” and bed time was 6pm. The Minions’ suite had two bedrooms but only one bathroom. So that night we were woken twice by Kermit’s toilet trips and a third time when the bathroom door self-opened, exposing us to the light we had agreed to leave on to reduce the chance of Kermit peeing on us in the middle of the night. Then from 2am onwards we were disturbed again and again by Kermit going to the toilet to blow his nose. Because rather than grab a handful of tissues, he went to the bathroom every time he felt the urge to blow his nose. Grrrrr.

We shared two room service breakfasts from the “night menu” at 5am as we were rattling and then had breakfast proper at 7am in the restaurant. We then headed to Islands of Adventure for early opening using the water taxi. We modestly benefited from our Express Passes. We did a Jurassic boat ride where the drop at the end made Freddo cry. We took the Hogwarts Express to Universal Studios and did ET, which Freddo loved but Kermit was freaked out by the happy aliens at the end. Then the boys went again and again on the Trollercoaster. They had found their level of excitement. Panda Express was $43.88 for lunch but it was too hot by now so we went back to the hotel. I took the boys to the pool which benefited from a water slide while Mrs Froggee had sleepy time. Then it was time to check out where the bill was “only” $35.52 for parking as the Amex benefits almost exactly covered our food consumption. We drove to Whole Foods to pick up some essentials before we went to our Villa. I can see why the Americans have defibrillators everywhere as we spent $190.53.

We then made our way to Villatel Orlando but not before the rental car provided me with an engine warning light and an “Engine Power Reduced” message which saw my speed on the ramp to the highway limited to 30mph. This went down well with those behind me. I managed to limp the car to the finishing line and we were presented with a nearly new 1,800 sq ft villa which, as a bonus, had an old school stand-up video game in the children’s bedroom. There were four bedrooms in total so Kermit decided he would be happy with a king bed after having it explained to him that he was not getting the en-suite master bedroom. Freddo was happy in the children’s bedroom which had two sets of bunk beds, a slide, and the videogame.

Our villa cost $3,218.86 including “resort fee”, cleaning fee and a booking fee. Villatel is still under construction and the resort had no facilities (the resort fee apparently being for a courtesy shuttle to Universal) but I had chosen a villa well away from the noise and we were not disturbed. When it is complete it will be pretty impressive as Villatel Orlando will have good facilities including a big pool with water slides. We were happy to get a clean villa in a good location. The complex is gated with full-on security which reduces the chance of being murdered in your sleep which I very much value. We would definitely return if revisiting Orlando.

We decided that we would have a quiet day so on Tuesday I called Avis and was told to take the car to a nearby location. The nearby location was super helpful and despite being a tiny branch issued me with an even larger SUV with low mileage. Utilising the new car we then went back to Whole Foods and spent a further $146.23 as it turned out we had not managed to get all the essentials after all. Then Target to buy pool toys and Pokémon cards (with Kermit’s own money) and splashy time in the pool. I had received several messages from Villatel inviting me to pay to have the pool heated. I am glad I did not as it was like a bath.

Wednesday was Volcano Bay being Universal’s water park. If I had not already paid $32 for parking (and that is a daily charge at Universal, folks), I think we would have left before we got there given Kermit’s reaction to being asked to queue for Security and then having to join an even longer queue for a bus to take us to Volcano Bay from the parking lot. But once we were inside Volcano Bay at a well-timed 8:58am Kermit was in love. Mrs Froggee, on the other hand, not so much. Despite being the strongest swimmer of us all she managed to become disoriented when landing in the water from the Ohyah drop slide and required a lifeguard to stop her hitting her head against the wall as she swam under water looking for the surface. This left her somewhat shaken. And me somewhat confused as last time I checked the surface is always up.

Then we all went on the Taniwha Tubes. Mrs Froggee had not taken any motion sickness pills and this ride left her very badly shaken. She stumbled off to search for belated Kwells in the locker that I had procured for a bargain $25. The boys went again and again on the Taniwha Tubes while I waited at the bottom and befriended a Venezuelan family who marvelled at my pallid complexion. Mrs Froggee arrived back and Kermit and I went off to ride Krakatau which we had been queuing for virtually using our TapuTapu bands. This is a great system and is free for everyone. You join a virtual queue and then go about your business until called back. Mrs Froggee lounged and Freddo wave pooled. On our return Mrs Froggee looked more like Mrs Groggee so I took an executive decision that we would go eat. As a general rule, food cheers Mrs Froggee up.

I could tell that Mrs Froggee was still not well when she commented that $89.61 was good value for three hamburgers, one chicken sandwich, an ice tea, two slushees and a fruit salad. Therefore, with the boys’ blessing we went back to the villa so Mrs Froggee could benefit from air conditioning and sleepy time.

Believe it or not, she still felt rough the next day so instead of going to the Kennedy space Center as planned we stayed closer to home and went back to Universal for a couple of hours. As we had not been to Whole Foods for almost 48 hours we then popped by and spent another $165.88 there.

Friday was back to Volcano Bay. Mrs Froggee did not even get changed into her swimming cozzie. On the way back we popped into Whole Foods and burnt another $86.73.

I had been looking forward to Kennedy Space Center and Saturday was the day. It was a little over an hour’s drive and we were there shortly after opening at 9am. Having pre-bought tickets from Orlando Attractions for £176.96, I then got to stand in the already scorching sun while I queued to collect our tickets at the “will call” window. This saved around $50 compared to buying directly but meant that Kermit was already unamused by the time we gained entry.

At the Kennedy Space Center you are literally greeted on arrival by several real-life space rockets and as it happened a man was saying interesting things about them. Kermit was deeply unimpressed. He huffed so much we gave up and went off in search of the air-conditioned space-themed play area for kids. It did not open until 10am. We went to do the bus tour thing. There was a queue. Kermit was raging. The reason there was a queue was because there was a compulsory photo shoot for all attendees. We boarded the bus. We saw the world’s largest vehicle used to transport rockets. It was of no interest to Kermit. We were then deposited outside a closed door where we were told to wait. We waited. Kermit got angry. Eventually the door opened. We were then corralled into a pen where they intended showing us a short movie. But first we were made to wait while more buses arrived. Kermit squatted on the floor and huffed. They showed us the movie. We were then allowed to escape. To another room. Where they intended showing us another movie. The fact this room benefited from seats and the actual control centre used to launch Apollo 8 did not stop Kermit becoming incandescent. The movie was actually quite good and they made our bottoms vibrate when the rocket took off but this did not improve his mood.

Finally, we were allowed into the main area where the Saturn V rocket was dangling from the ceiling. Like literally dangling above us. It was incredible. Kermit’s mood was unimproved. I could not take it any more so it was my turn to get annoyed. I decided we would just leave. Now. But Mrs Froggee wanted to go to the gift shop. Of course, my dear. We went to the gift shop. I allowed Mrs Froggee to buy me a NASA T-shirt and she bought the usual tourist tat. Given the time spent in the gift shop, I figured we should eat so we had an early lunch costing $61.13 and then went to get a bus back, but not before turning down the opportunity to buy some pictures of ourselves for $35.

Not. Really. A. Cherished. Memory. Thank. You.

Back at the main part of Kennedy Space Center I was still gunning to leave but Mrs Froggee decided to flog the proverbial dead horse and made us all stand, outside, in a queue for “Heroes & Legends”. It was hot. Eventually we were allowed in to a pen where, you guessed it, we were shown a movie. I dared not look at Kermit. The movie finished and we were released into another pen where we were shown another movie. I was starting to think that Kermit was onto something. The movie was actually quite good. It made you feel like you were flying and featured a cooling breeze. Then we were allowed into a room where they had pictures of astronauts. There have been a lot of astronauts.

Finally, we could leave. “Can we see a show?” said Mrs Froggee. Of course, my dear said I while wondering if she was still suffering from Volcano Bay induced delirium. The show, “All Systems are Go” featured people wearing all black moving characters from Peanuts about. I think the characters were talking about space in weird voices but I could not be sure as I had tuned out. I figured NASA should stick to putting rockets into space and leave the entertainment to Universal Studios. When it was over, Freddo asked me what I would score it out of ten. I demurred. Freddo gave it six. Kermit actually enjoyed it. We could go now. The Kennedy Space Center is incredible but I am not convinced that forcing you to wait outside in the middle of the day in the middle of July before making you watch movies is strictly that customer friendly. I would love to go back though. Without Kermit obviously.

I suggested the gang wait in the shade and gave me a couple of minutes to get the air-conditioning in the car going. You could have cooked eggs on the car bonnet. Because I am kind and wanted to ensure hydration, I stopped at a 7-11 and got the boys slushies (which at $1.33 were one quarter of the Universal Studios price). My reward for this was Apple-play disconnecting and there being no cell signal to get it going again. By some miracle we made our way back to civilisation. Where I dropped a further $65.76 in Whole Foods. You gotta eat.

Because of Kermit’s rage issues and spoiling Kennedy Space Center for me, I decided that we would go to an Outlet Mall on Sunday and not Volcano Bay. The boys actually quite enjoyed Gap. I think to taunt me, they both bought space themed T-shirts. But there is only so long the Froggee boys can spend shopping so I suggested to Mrs Froggee that she could stay and we could come back. She accepted this proposal with alacrity. Come get me at 1:30pm said she. Once home I messaged suggesting she let me know when she was done instead. I was then sent pictures of her trying on clothes with feedback requested. Then I was asked if seven bras were too many. Of course not dear, messaged I. Sadly there were no pictures.

Only as it was approaching 3pm and I expressed concern for Mrs Froggee’s wellbeing did she agree to be collected.

Our final day saw us go back to Universal Studios. We did a few rides but after making me walk most of the length of the park to look at Dudley Do-Right’s Ripsaw Falls only to bottle it, Kermit declared he had a headache so I decided it was best to go back to the villa and pack.

And that was it really.

Orlando to San Francisco with United Airlines

I had looked at various options to get to the west coast initially favouring a redemption with American Airlines to Los Angeles for only 64,000 Avios and £17.60 where we could get extra legroom seats and free checked bags courtesy of our British Airways status. But “we” decided it was best to fly direct so I ended up cancelling that, losing the £17.60 but getting the Avios back. I then booked United Airlines from Orlando to San Francisco. I had seen videos of what United Airlines do to their coach passengers so chose to spend £2,356 on flying “First Class”. Obviously being America, First Class did not entitle us to priority check in, priority security or lounge access. But it did include as many bags as we could realistically check and a moderately spacious seat so, happy days. Our flight was at 9:05am and it is testament to the fact that we had adjusted to Orlando time vaguely successfully that this seemed way too early.

Having read about Orlando Airport security I figured we should leave a bit earlier than I had originally intended. Aiming for a 6am departure saw us drive off at 6:15am. Because I am an idiot, I was too busy trying to avoid toll roads when setting Google maps and we ended up at a maintenance facility on the wrong side of the airport. Mrs Froggee was very understanding in that she only clearly and obviously thought I was an idiot but did not vocalise it. Ten minutes later we made it to Avis Rental Returns which, as always, made me wonder why the rest of the United States cannot be as efficient as returning a rental car is. We trundled to terminal B through a purpose-built tunnel and after not too long a wait, courtesy of having downloaded the United App and telling them how many bags we would be checking, got to dispose of our luggage.

We then wandered over to Security where they had lots of monitors saying the wait would be 34-38 minutes. Surprisingly Kermit seemed fairly well composed despite the potential adversity. When checking in online, United Airlines had suggested booking a security slot with “MCO reserve” which I thought was a bit of a nonsense but, after consulting with Mrs Froggee (who felt that she had nothing to lose by me wasting my time) I booked a slot. I had booked 7:30am and we were allowed to arrive within ten minutes either side of this. We asked the gatekeeper if we could enter at 7:18am and she let us pass after a courtesy scan of my barcode. MCO Reserve was pretty efficient and we were through and repacked within 15 minutes of entering. If it had not been for them making Mrs Froggee and I remove our trainers I would almost have been pleased with the experience.

We hopped on the little shuttle train and were at our satellite comfortably early. I had googled the water situation as this is what I do and was delighted to see that Orlando international Airport has filtered water machines. I could not see any. I asked at the information desk and was told they only have drinking fountains which are outside the toilets. We filled our bottles from the drinking fountains. Unfiltered Orlando water tastes bad. We made our way to the gate where, outside the adjacent toilets, there was a filtered water machine. We emptied out our bottles and refilled them with much, much more pleasant tasting water.

The United App counted down the seconds until boarding and then changing to “Boarding Soon”. Thanks. We did not board soon but did eventually board. The flight took off a little bit late but the five hour and ten-minute flight time saw us land on schedule. America really is a big country. The flight was uneventful other than the First Class toilet was not in use (even for the pilots). Therefore, the expected First Class toilet ratio of 24:1 became 24:0. I wondered if Kermit’s American doppelgänger had been on the prior flight? No priority check-in, no priority security, no lounge access, no toilet. First Class my a$$. There was always a queue at the toilet at the front of coach which we all had to use. But apparently if you are shorter than Freddo and you hike your skirt up whilst grimacing you get to go first.

California

Mrs Froggee’s sister and brother-in-law met us at the airport and our bags were impressively quick, arriving as we returned from the compulsory post flight peepee.

The plan this time was to stay with Mrs Froggee’s sister in their guest house. We have avoided this in the past to maintain a bit of separation but also because of the fact that their guest house has evolved to become a storage facility. But I had charged Mrs Froggee with having an explicit conversation with her sister that, if we were going to stay, then the guest house needed to be massively decluttered. Ironically my sister-in-law calls their guest house the “outhouse”. This should have been a clue for what awaited us.

An arriving, things did not look promising. We could not hang our hoodies up because there was a selection of used surgical face masks and splash shields on the coat hooks. The brother-in-law casually mentioned that the fridge was not working but we could use the one in the garage. We dropped our bags and went to Whole Foods as we were suffering from withdrawal symptoms. $231.90 later we returned and gave the guest house a thorough examination.

Perhaps the large whiteboard might be useful but I was less sure about the unplugged television squatting on the coffee table. The guest house has a small but fully functioning kitchen. However, the drawers and shelves were rammed. But not of kitchen paraphernalia. You know – laptop batteries, glue, Covid tests, an excellent selection of disposable cutlery from takeout places and indeed freebies from airlines. But metal cutlery and ceramic plates and stuff? Not so much. We were sorted for rice cookers though. Because rice is what the boys ask for at 4 o’clock in the morning. Oh and booze. There were boxes full of alcohol partially blocking passage through the kitchen. They don’t drink so just dump it.

The bedrooms were as I remembered. Obviously, the beds had not quite been fully made up as the last load of laundry was drying. And some of the pillows smelled bad. We could not use the closets as they were being used to store stuff like suitcases, old cot mattresses and gift wrap. But we were helpfully told that we could put some of our things on the adjustable height desk that for some reason was in “our” bedroom. Obviously, any drawer space was being used. More glue, Q-tips, a computer keyboard, a pulse oximeter. These are just the things I remembered. The bathroom could have been worse. But it could have been a heck of a lot better. The was a bottle of “liquid band aid” sitting out, expiry October 2023. An empty bottle of handwash served little purpose, although to be fair there was a bar of soap that just about produced enough lather to wash your hands with after two minutes vigorous rubbing. On seeing the encrusted brown staining on the toilet bowl, I went back to the kitchen where there was toilet cleaner under the sink but there was no toilet brush. Which maybe explained the encrusted brown staining.

By now the boys had rushed off with their auntie and I told Mrs Froggee that I did not think I could stay there. The prospect of living out of suitcases for the best part of two weeks did not sound like a holiday to me. Mrs Froggee was in agreement and was somewhat sheepish, admitting that she had been too optimistic about her sister’s willingness to tidy up for us. Mrs Froggee suggested that we ask for some boxes and we could clear out the junk. She did and we were given bags and started to remove a selection of dust covered detritus from the kitchen. However apparently some of the detritus was treasured possessions of other relatives who by visiting first had the right to store their Eva Air sanitising wipes in perpetuity.

I lost my rag.

I told Mrs Froggee’s sister that the state of the guest house did not make me feel welcome. I did not mince my words. Initially I was told it was cultural differences. Then I was told it was normal and totally fine for family. Yeah, no. It’s really not. Then I got a long and winding soliloquy on the difficult road Mrs Froggee’s sister had travelled as an immigrant to the USA and how she has learned to be like water. Because everyone loves Bruce Lee. I did not see the relevance and asked her to stop with the BS. By now Mrs Froggee had gone into hiding but I wanted to hear what she had to say so asked her to join us. I asked her a question, ending my sentence in “Mrs Froggee”. Mrs Froggee’s sister started to answer. I interrupted, raising my voice and highlighting who the question was for. At this point my sister-in-law lost the plot, and decided to make it personal. I actually think I did a good job not reciprocating as I really had so much to say. The most comical moment for me was when my sister-in-law waved an IKEA milk jug and sugar pot in our faces as evidence of the effort that she had gone to. Neither Mrs Froggee nor I take sugar and prefer to take milk from the fridge like, you know, everybody else. But sure, add to the clutter rather than tidy it.

The conclusion was that I was not staying in that guest house and I would not be returning. You might think this was an extreme reaction but, after many visits to see the family, I was done. The boys adore their auntie and younger cousin and want to hang out. But a typical visit involves us asking Mrs Froggee’s sister what her plans are and her having no idea. The plans change with the wind. “Just do what you want to do today” she would say. When you fly several thousand miles and find yourself staying in Silicon Valley where accommodation costs are just plain nasty for one reason only and that reason finds it burdensome to work out what they are doing on any given day, it becomes pretty tiresome, pretty quickly. Particularly after you may very well have been awake since 1am with two jet-lagged boys asking when they can see their auntie and cousin. The best example of my sister-in-law’s modus operandi, albeit before us having children, was the time when Mrs Froggee called her sister to ask what she was up to. “Come over, come over” was the response. We went over. And stood on the doorstep. For ages. Because Mrs Froggee’s sister was not even home. Perhaps it was Mrs Froggee’s fault for not asking where exactly we should come over to as the answer on that occasion had been, you guessed it, Whole Foods.

Before this I had said to Mrs Froggee that if she wanted me to, I could suck it up and stay. But Mrs Froggee did not wish to stay either describing the digs as depressing. She undoubtedly shouldered some of the responsibility for the predicament given it had been her job to pre-empt this very situation. But Mrs Froggee also has a frustration with her sister, who she used to be incredibly close to, as her sister still seems to think that Mrs Froggee is a kid and does not seem capable of adjustment to an equal relationship. Mrs Froggee is constantly told what to do and how to bring up her children. And it appears that her sister does not listen to what Mrs Froggee says as big sis knows best. I suggested a solution might be for me to just leave. It was 6pm and Virgin Atlantic would happily take me on the 10:10pm flight to Heathrow for 77,500 points and $1,027.80. I would have paid multiples of this to remove myself from the situation. Then the guest house might feel a bit more spacious. Apparently, it was preferred for me to remain in the Bay Area. I offered to get a hotel nearby and leave the gang in situ. But Mrs Froggee genuinely did not want to stay there, with or without me. Why should I get a nice hotel and she slum it?

Weirdly Kermit got emotional about the family potentially being split up. So, the decision was made that our only option was an Airbnb. It was not possible to book for that night so we had to stay one night in the guest house. We spent a long time trying to find somewhere suitable which, on no notice in the Bay Area, was tricky. There were a couple of delightful looking places in the £30-£40,000 price range but that was too much. We plumped for one about ten minutes’ drive away at just shy of £9,000. The host replied quickly saying that she could not take us for the whole time as she had not updated the calendar for a recent booking. Great. We looked further afield and tried one at £6,915.29. A house new to Airbnb with zero reviews. My Virgin Atlantic credit card was blocked as apparently Airbnb charge the full amount when you request a reservation, even if not fulfilled. Grrrrrr. HSBC World Elite worked.

Freddo was shattered and fractious. “Why do we have to move!?” he wailed. Kermit actually got it. When an 11-year-old can tell a place is a mess, you know it is a mess. Kermit got Freddo his favourite cuddly toy which warmed my heart. We all went to bed. The brother-in-law had reduced the target temperature from a stuffy 76 Fahrenheit to 73 on their fancy underfloor cooling system. I lay in bed, brain fully engaged, unable to sleep. Eventually I got up. I safely navigated the 30-centimetre gap between bed and wall. I then whacked my left ankle on the corner of the bed as I squeezed through the 16-centimetre space between the dresser and the bottom of the bed. Mrs Froggee stirred. I then hit my hip on the corner of the adjustable height desk. Mrs Froggee rolled over. I thought I was free but not before clattering into the Perspex occasional table placed within millimetres of the door. I ran.

I looked at the thermostat. 78 Fahrenheit. Thumbs down for underfloor cooling. My Apple Watch claimed I got four and a half hours sleep that night but I do not believe it for one minute. The boys got up at 3:45am I followed them, to the lounge, feeling like death, shutting the bedroom door in the hope Mrs Froggee could at least get a bit more sleep.

The boys had a lovely day and were spoiled rotten by an overcompensating auntie. Mrs Froggee and me? Not so much. I did not leave the outhouse until we departed shortly before 3pm and drove the 20 minutes to our new place. I had decided to let Mrs Froggee drive given it was her sister’s minivan we were using. We found the house without issue. It was in a very prosperous looking neighbourhood. Is someone else living here asked Kermit? No, said I. But there are shoes outside down below said Kermit. No, said I, we get the entire house. The house was nice. Freddo bounced in and said “oh this is much nicer daddy, thank you for moving us here”. Downstairs there was a sign on a door asking as not to open it as it was private property. It became apparent that someone else was living there. We looked at the listing. It clearly stated that there was an ADU (auxiliary dwelling unit). Right at the bottom. We had somehow missed that. There was nothing we could do anyway as this had been the only tolerable option and I had paid. I wedged a suitcase under the door handle because that would totally stop a psychopath from killing my family and accepted our fate.

We were all shattered. I was asleep at 7pm. And wide awake at 12:45am. The boys made it until after 5am which was a good effort so I got up and gave them breakfast. I was still knackered. In due course Mrs Froggee took the boys over to her sister’s house. I stayed home. Our house was pretty inaccessible for pedestrians but I went for a walk. People in their cars looked at me. We were actually adjacent to a really attractive park with walking trails spread over a hill. The view from our balcony was spectacular. But because this is America, I could not access the park from our house without driving for a couple of miles. I asked a dog walker and she thought it was possible down one track but I was greeted by a “no trespassing” sign. Welcome to Belmont, CA.

Mrs Froggee and I had agreed that she would take the boys to see her sister and I would hang out by myself. Mrs Froggee felt somewhat bad about this as she felt a modicum of responsibility but I really did not mind. We come here so the boys could see their aunt and cousins. Me? Entirely not bothered. Peace and quiet, sounded nice. Oh yes. The house next door was having roof work done. Hammering, nail guns and buzz saws all day long.

Friday was hot. Like 86 Fahrenheit which is unusual for northern California. So the air conditioning stopped working. We were told that it is normal for air conditioning here to be specified to work up to 77 Fahrenheit outdoor temperature. Because it was so hot the air conditioning cut out to stop itself from overheating. Basically, the air conditioning needed air conditioning! I felt like I was coming down with a cold. And my resting heart rate was way higher than normal. Which is not normal. I messaged Mrs Froggee and asked her to steal some Covid test kits from her sister. At least we knew where they were.

I tested when the gang got back and the T line went solid before the liquid even made it to the C line. Yay me. This threw a spanner in the works somewhat. But at least we were now in a four-bedroom house with a quarantine level. Right next to a potential murderer. Who probably only had a polite sign on his side of the door asking him not to murder us. Mrs Froggee’s sister is immunosuppressed resulting from a nasty bout of Dengue so it would be highly preferable not to infect her. I am petty but not vindictive. Over the next few days, I waited until the gang had left the house before having breakfast. Sometimes Mrs Froggee would return at lunch and leave a few scraps in the fridge that became my dinner. I had lunch and dinner by myself downstairs. It had cooled down so we had the windows open and air conditioning off. It was very 2020.

Mrs Froggee’s sister was happy to still see the boys if they tested. On Saturday, Mrs Froggee tested the boys but not herself. Dare I say it but she probably was not in the mood to see her sister either and “oh I didn’t test, can’t come in, I’m off shopping” worked well. She went to buy Covid test kits to find them highly overpriced and ended up paying over $10 a test in Walgreens. Boots will sell you one in the UK for £1.80.

This time Covid felt more like a head cold. I felt pretty grotty on Saturday and slept a fair bit. That evening our neighbour in the ADU decided to have a gathering. One of his guests ventured out onto the deck, which was outside my quarantine bedroom. I messaged the host asking if he was allowed guests/parties as we were not. No he is not, said she. I said we were worried they might be making noise on the deck outside the bedroom. He is not allowed on that deck said she. But someone was on it earlier said I. She called him, and in her words “gave him hell”. His guests left at 8:20pm. All was peaceful until 1:30am when he came back with a buddy and stayed up drinking until 3:45am. They were not that loud but it was akin to trying to sleep with someone chatting noisily in the lounge adjacent to your bedroom. I might have left it but when I went to take the trash out in the morning, he had put all his party detritus in the regular bin, most of which should have gone into recycling. There was no space for our trash and I was not intending sorting his stuff. You can wake me up at night but do not neglect your recycling duties! I messaged the host, saying he had been making noise until almost 4am and had completely filled the trash with recycling. She said she gave him a warning and claimed he was trying to destroy her Airbnb business. He will be as quiet as a mouse from now on she said. And he was. The host came and took away the trash and also refunded me the cleaning fee of £215.03 (without being asked) as a goodwill gesture and wanted to send us a voucher for lunch at the nearby mall. I turned down the voucher as she had done enough.

Sunday I felt a bit better, Monday I resumed my neighbourhood walks and by Wednesday I really felt fine and figured I might as well take a $10 test. It was negative so hoorah to that. Mrs Froggee decided it was best to exercise caution given both her sister and a Sunday flight home so I was happy to be banished for a further couple of days.

Apparently eating had become difficult for Freddo as both his front teeth were in the final stages of wobbliness. We have a saying in the Froggee household that it is not a holiday unless Freddo sustains a head injury but, for once, nothing smacked him in the face. And he really needed to be smacked in the face. I remember my own brother punching out one of my teeth in Texas when I was seven. It was lost in the grass so I had to write a note for the tooth fairy. Why could Kermit not provide this service for Freddo? Eventually both teeth came out of natural causes within a couple of days of each other. I had prepped Freddo by telling him that the largest coin in the United States was 25 cents. But secretly I had brought a stash of shiny one-dollar coins on holiday just for this situation. He did not seem that excited to get a shiny gold one-dollar coin per tooth. Sad face.

I was allowed in the car on Friday and I clearly had not missed much. A play park, a shopping mall and Shake Shack for lunch which cost an absurd $85.87. Mrs Froggee’s lunch was the best part of 2,000 calories which was beyond frightening as it really did not look like much. I was dropped back at the house and the gang went off to see Auntie. The air conditioning had now decided to completely stop working. The Nest thermostats appeared to have wiring issues. It did not matter though as it was not that hot any more, and we had window technology. I let the host know and she was, yet again, very apologetic explaining it was a new system which had only been installed in June.

And that took us to Saturday which, as it happened, was a landmark birthday for me. As my place in the family hierarchy lies above the gardener but below the cleaner, I was duly presented with a Tour de France T-shirt in a really weird shade of mint green (wrapped), the NASA T-shirt I had chosen in Orlando (not wrapped) and a book featuring the stories of some loser writing about his family holidays that Mrs Froggee had downloaded from the internet and added our family photos to. Oh, and Kermit said he had a sore throat.

As it was a special day, we went to the boys’ favourite park which was Coyote Point Recreation Area. After five minutes Kermit said his chest hurt and he felt out of breath. Mrs Froggee gave him some food and he went back to playing. I had a wander. We did not stay that long and went to the mall for lunch. The original plan had been to celebrate in style at the Cheesecake Factory but I was not convinced at committing to a sit-down meal given Kermit’s questionable state. So we went to the Food Court. Happy Birthday me. We went home and Mrs Froggee Covid-tested the boys before taking them to her sister’s house. After a couple of hours, she came back so that we could have a special birthday dinner together. But Mrs Froggee’s sister messaged to say that Kermit now had a fever and she had given him paracetamol. Mrs Froggee and I had a quick dinner at the Shake Shack, a bargain at $37.98 and she went to retrieve the boys. Kermit was in poor fettle, had not eaten any dinner, and his temperature was above 40 centigrade. Not ideal but he was drinking water and went to bed and slept. Apparently, he was briefly hungry at night but ate half a banana and then promptly threw it up. To give the kid credit he made it to the toilet.

We were due to fly home on Sunday but one look at Kermit and it was clear that there was no way this was happening. I called Virgin Atlantic and got an unsympathetic sounding woman who put me on hold while she priced up changing our flights. I had hoped that they might be looking for volunteers to delay flying as they had just cancelled the first of their two flights from San Francisco that day but apparently not. I got cut off when I was on hold. This was a blessing. I called back and got a lovely young Welsh fellow. He was sympathetic and practically sang to me “what are the symptoms, does your son have a communicable disease – any sickness or vomiting?” Somewhat incredibly, in 17 minutes flat (including time on hold at the beginning) the flights were rebooked for Wednesday on the 5pm flight arriving at 11:20am. Without charge.

I. Love. Virgin. Atlantic.

I did not even think about trying to get British Airways to do anything with our separate flights up to Edinburgh but it was small change. I cancelled Mrs Froggee and the boys’ Avios bookings with two hours to spare thereby only losing £1.50. British Airways very kindly returned £6.49 of my £93.99 cash fare. I had to rebook flights and got a bit of a shock at that. No Avios availability and it was £300 each for the early afternoon flights we would likely want to catch. So I took a punt and booked us on the 6:15am up to Edinburgh which was “only” £625.96 for the four of us. It might be problematic catching this flight given that our inbound flight was due to arrive five hours and five minutes after it. But I was sure that same day change would not be a problem. I do not know why I bothered as saving £560 in the context of this holiday was a pointless gesture.

I had suggested that it might be wisest for one of us to take Freddo home that night as there had to be a reasonable chance he, in turn, got sick and we would be back to square one on Wednesday but Mrs Froggee wanted to stay as a family. She could not bring herself to desert Kermit so she had to stay. But apparently, I am handy to have around in a crisis. The travel insurance would only pay for one parent to stay and only after receiving acceptable proof of illness. I was not inclined to drag Kermit along to an urgent care facility when bed was the best place for him so I was on the hook for all spend from then on.

I got in touch with our Airbnb host who unfortunately had another booking. She let us extend until the Tuesday morning. The initial plan was to stay until then and get an airport hotel for the Tuesday night but after seeing Kermit on Monday (improving but still not great) I decided to get another Airbnb for two nights. We stayed at the current place until the new one was ready and then bailed. The host kindly refunded us some of the fee as we were not staying overnight so it was a net £327.52 for the half day at the old place. And £1,440.03 for two nights at the new one. Kermit insisted on travelling to the new Airbnb in his jimjams but he was definitely more like himself.

Weirdly Mrs Froggee’s sister remained happy to see Freddo so he spent his days with his auntie, Mrs Froggee came and went and I ensured Kermit drank plenty of water and did not leave his tissues everywhere. Kermit had graduated from bed to the couch and was very much up to watching television.

Kermit’s fever had gone by Tuesday morning but there was still no sign of his appetite. Mrs Froggee collected Freddo in the evening and he came in bawling his eyes out. My first instinct was he had been struck down with the lurgy too but no – he was just sad that he did not know when he would see his cousin and his auntie again. We could not provide him with an answer as Mrs Froggee has zero intent of visiting California any time soon given the inevitability of her sister impersonating her domineering mother with the resemblance getting stronger and stronger as the years go by.

Wednesday came and Kermit declared that it was the first morning he had not felt dizzy on getting out of bed. Yay. I had messaged the host the day before asking if it might be possible to extend checkout from 11am to 1pm for a fee. He said this would be fine if I left a $30 tip for the cleaners as they would have to rush. This seemed more than fair so I left $50 as I had observed that $30 does not even buy a Shake Shack meal for two. I finished packing which mainly involved moving dozens of bras about the suitcases. It turned out Mrs Froggee had been back to Victoria’s Secret and bought many more bras. And ordered a bunch from Gap. As it is impossible to buy size 34B in the UK. I made sure the place was tidy, emptied the trash (mainly old, discarded bras and tissues) and we were off to see Mrs Froggee’s brother-in-law who was repossessing their minivan and then driving us to the airport in it. That all went smoothly. No queue at check-in. Three bags were quickly ditched with one of the carry-on cases repurposed to take the heavy stuff. Minimal queue at Security and we were in the Virgin lounge where Ellen took good care of us.

San Francisco to Heathrow with Virgin Atlantic

In the lounge I looked at flight availability up to Edinburgh the next day and got a nasty shock as the earliest suitable flight that had four seats was 7pm. At 4:05pm I logged into my British Airways account and by then I could only change to the 10pm flight. This sucked. Big time. I took it. I asked Mrs Froggee if she thought £4,180 was too much to pay to change to an earlier flight in business class and I was delighted to find that I had finally found her level of financial pain as she said it was indeed too much. I then looked at splitting us up. We could go 2+2 on the 6:15pm and 7pm flights so with Mrs Froggee’s blessing I went to change us to them but the 6:15pm was now available for all four of us so I nabbed it. I then ignored the last call announcement and quickly booked a day room at the Hilton Garden Inn at Terminal 2 for £99 with “Day Use” so Kermit could have a few hours kip on arrival and we then headed to boarding.

The flight seemed completely full in business class but was fine. Apart from when I attempted to wash Freddo’s face with the offered hot towel and he screamed like I was trying to murder him. I ceased and desisted. Then a panicked Freddo said “daddy, it says no child can sit in this seat!” I could not read the tiny wording on the seat belt so took a picture of it and zoomed in. NO CHILD SEATS IN THIS AIRCRAFT SEAT. You’re fine, Freddo, you’re fine. There were 31 seats in Upper Class and 35 in Premium that effectively shared four toilets as the curtain was rarely closed. This gave a toilet to passenger ratio of 16.5:1 which was very acceptable. The meal service was delayed as apparently there was turbulence although it seemed pretty smooth to me. Service felt like it was trying to be friendly versus the genuinely friendly we had on the way out. Still way better than British Airways. And the cabin temperature started nicely cool but became way too hot. I went to sleep under the blanket wearing a rugby jersey and ended up ditching the jersey and the blanket but was still roasting. Mrs Frogge also woke sweating. We landed 20 minutes early. Kermit was fine but knackered as we had effectively woken him up at 2am. Freddo was annoyingly ebullient.

We did that lovely thing at immigration which was walking straight up to a desk without queuing. As the officer looked at Freddo I commented on his toothless smile which resulted in much laughter and we were sent on our way with a welcome home. All immigration should be like that. I deposited the family in a quiet seating area while waiting for the baggage belt to be displayed. I checked flights again and the 2:15pm flight up to Edinburgh was now available. We discussed the pros and cons of this versus the hotel room. Kermit just wanted to get home. The bags actually appeared super quickly so I retrieved them, changed the flight to the 2:15pm, cancelled the day room for only a £5 penalty and we then took the Heathrow Express to T5. A pilot started chatting to me and it turned out he had seen our bag tags and had been our pilot. He was hoping to catch a flight home to Aberdeen. I complimented his airmanship and he jested that it had all been the First Officer and he had just kicked back and chilled. Apparently, it had been really stressful and they had detoured 60 miles to avoid really unpleasant turbulence and he seemed pleased when I said it was pretty smooth all the way.

Heathrow to Edinburgh with British Airways

We did the bag drop and security thing and went to Galleries North which scored four out of five bodies on the lounge-o-meter and was intolerable. We had to split up to sit down. It was ridiculously hot in there so shortly after securing four seats together, I declared we were going to go and sit at the A gates as it was cooler. British Airways really need to sort this out. How can the lounges at their home airport be so unpleasant?

We were leaving from the dreaded A4 which meant a bus to the gate but at least the bus was not over-filled. We had all of row 6 to ourselves directly behind business class. I guess, having failed to find any people willing to book business class seats last minute at well over £1,000 each, British Airways had decided to move the curtain and open these seats up to the great unwashed. I was very thankful for this. We sat on the tarmac for ages and Kermit fell asleep which was a good thing. We ended up taking off late but Kermit was dozing, so it was fine.

The flight was like any other Heathrow to Edinburgh flight. Obviously, Kermit needed to pee. He ate the salty snack provided. We landed. That was about it. We were just in time for Edinburgh Airport’s new fleet of “state-of-the-art luggage trolleys” and against my natural instincts I decided I was willing to pay £1 to obtain one. To do this involves tapping a credit card and then one of the three trolley bays turns green which means the magnetic field securing the trolleys is temporarily switched off. I had a slight problem though in that there was a fellow desperately trying to wrangle one out without paying £1. I considered tapping my card as there was a 2:3 chance that the lane he was in would not light up and I could casually remove a trolley. It would have been good for giggles. But if the lane he was in lit up, then he would get my trolley and I doubt he would be willing to hand it over given how hard he had fought for it. So I waited. And waited. Until he eventually gave up. As I took my trolley, he looked at me in consternation. “Erm, you have to pay now mate” I said holding up my HSBC World Elite card. He skulked off.

I did my quickest shop ever in M&S Simply Food but still managed to drop £69.10. Then we went to get a taxi. I was mentally committed to taking two private hires if the suitcases would not fit but I was not given this option being allocated a black cab before I could say “please don’t give us a black cab as facing backwards makes us all want to puke”. I guess we were lucky as Edinburgh Airport in their profit maximising fashion do not let just any taxi pick up in the official taxi queue. They sold the contract to the highest bidder who, apparently, struggle to supply enough vehicles at busy times.

I got in the black cab and faced backwards. I decided to close my eyes for the entire journey which was remarkably effective. Kermit asked if I was okay after a couple of minutes. “Do not speak to me unless you want to swap seats”. Kermit did not speak to me for the rest of the journey. Freddo did of course, but then happily, he fell asleep. The fare was £36 which was a fixed rather than metered fare and a bit higher than I would have expected. I gave the driver £40 without complaining and he offered the nugget that the fixed fares were brought in because the private hire cars (also supplied by the same firm) were frequently taking the Edinburgh City Bypass and hitting people with £50+ fares. Hah!

And that was it really. Mrs Froggee and I were ready to collapse. It was good to be home after being away for three weeks, five days, and seven hours. Kermit perked up as he noticed the girls playing in the garden next door. Can I play outside, said he. Of course, said I.

If it hadn’t been for Kermit getting sick it actually would have been one of my better US west coast holidays, Covid and all. Not having to deal with my sister-in-law’s flakiness was refreshing. As it was, it was complete sh1t. In a nod to this, I had a birthday present I could actually use from NHS Scotland who had sent me a little package asking me to poop in a pot and send them a sample.

That I can do. That I can do.

The end.

[The Savage Squirrel]

Woo! Here’s what we’ve been waiting for half the summer. Saving this one for bedtime reading tonight!

[AJA]

I need a holiday just to recover from reading that horror story. What is the point of spending even £1k let alone the thousands you did spend to go and see a relative who just wants to treat her sister and family so badly? Well written though as I felt your pain as if I was suffering it myself.

[Jess]

Another hilarious trip report! I stopped the mental calculations half way through – that was an incredibly expensive holiday, with all the unexpected extra costs. ☹️.
I hope we have a few more years of your travelling tales, before your sons become adults and do their own thing!

[strickers]

I have no words, I feel your pain.

[yorkshireRich]

Brilliant Frogee.
I don’t feel too bad for my 7 weeks at the other side of the world now. Least my wife’s family made us extremely welcome.

What do you think about taking a 2.5 year old to Universal? We are thinking Disney also. Would it be a complete waste of time or is there an argument for it? I would be attempting to do it on the cheap though and use 2 companion vouchers we currently have.

When do you plan on going to Orlando again? Do you kids prefer going there or prefer somewhere like Singapore, or do they really not care?

[strickers]

My youngest was 5 the first time we went to Orlando, mostly Disney on that trip, from my experience I’m glad we didn’t do it earlier. You are a long way from your car and the parks are big.

[Froggee]

@AJA – indeed. In her defence, my sister-in-law is a very nice person but appears to have tunnel vision in a number of areas. She means well but in her permanently frazzled state is incapable of what I would consider to be rationale thought. There was an apology but even then she genuinely didn’t see the problem with the outhouse, highlighting that the 20 year-old students who recently crashed there did not complain. We do now need a summer holiday destination for next year as we are not returning in 2025. I’m thinking Cornwall or the Scottish Riviera.

@Jess yep. So little for so much money. It is 15 years on but our honeymoon cost a good bit less than this trip and our honeymoon was a month-long business class round the world extravaganza.

@yorkshireRich – if anything, my kids were a bit young for Universal and Disney probably would have been better. The main reason for Universal was their water park. I certainly would not do both parks in a trip unless you think it is unlikely you will be returning as the way they price them it makes sense to get a two week pass for either Disney or Universal parks and stick to them. The plan is to go back for October half term next year and do Disney that time. As long as we avoid a hurricane, the weather will be better and it should also be less busy. I think my kids would pick Singapore over Orlando. But it is not like for like as there is family in Singapore and Mrs Froggee knows her way about. But often it is the little things such as Singapore has many more interesting new types of food they have not tried. Also with the kids we find going east easier as a midnight bedtime is totally acceptable so only needs us to adjust half the time. Whereas even five hours west really needs the full five hour adjustment and sucks coming home and getting them back into school.

I actually think a 2.5 year old would be easier than a five year old in Orlando re @strickers post. You wouldn’t have a buggy for a five year old so when they get tired it sucks. Whereas the 2.5 year old can happily have time out. But I would only go if you want to go as otherwise it is a lot of money for something the kid wouldn’t even care about. You might even be better off going to somewhere like Sarasota on the west coast of Florida and spend your time looking for shark’s teeth!

[SamG]

Blimey what a trip!! I hope you’ve got something planned for the next school hols to get over it!

Having lived abroad and been very grateful for many friends and family coming to visit I always made plenty of effort to make them welcome and (try!) to do the right amount of planning of activities and letting them get on and have a holiday.

I too have been thinking about the right age for Disney but I don’t think I’ll be taking them in August because of the heat, maybe at Easter. But whenever I see the costs of going these days I really have to question if it’s worth it. Disney latest numbers weren’t great for theme parks so I wonder if the crazy cash extraction machine is finally at it’s peak and things we’ll get slightly more reasonable in future.

[SamG]

BTW insurance will usually accept a video Dr report which can be had for 50 quid or so, worth asking them though hopefully not any time soon!

[strickers]

@Froggee Good point on the buggy but I’m glad we didn’t have one with us; my favourite pictures of my youngest is her asleep across my shoulders in a fireman’s lift with the EPCOT globe in the background.

[Peter K]

Wow. What a nightmare. Having stayed at a family member’s house where it was so filthy Mrs K and I spent hours the first day cleaning it to an acceptable standard, and vowed not to stay there again, I feel your pain.
(We would have left and stayed in a hotel instead but had other family coming the next day and did not want to rock the boat.)

However, I’m sure it helped you build character!

[Jimbob]

Great read!
Happy 50th birthday Froggee, sounds like you get on with your SIL, as much as I get on with mine!

[stankpa]

Another brilliant post 😊

[sayling]

Fabulous tale, fabulously told, of a not so fabulous time – thank you!

With regard to taking young ‘uns to Disney/Universal parks, I would suggest people ask themselves why they want to do it. Ask yourself what you remember of the holidays you went on with your parents at that age.

You may well come to the conclusion they will have just as much fun and happy memories by holidaying somewhere far closer, far cheaper and far more wallet friendly. You may well decide it better to invest the difference in cost, spending it when they will be of an age to really remember it and really appreciate it.

Just be aware of when they they reach the age of ‘you’re just not cool, Dad’!

[JDB]

Yet another great read, but I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Really with you re staying with friends and family; can be quite stressful for all. Nearby usually suits everyone better. However, most importantly, you really deserve to have, and I hope you will manage to have a holiday that is uneventful and enjoyable from booking to return. The story will be different, but your writing skills will ensure it will still be another rip roaring read.

[Peter K]

“We have a saying in the Froggee household that it is not a holiday unless Freddo sustains a head injury but, for once, nothing smacked him in the face.”

I think you have in this one line demonstrated that, as the longer read shows, this was *not* a holiday.

[JDB]

SamG wrote:

I too have been thinking about the right age for Disney but I don’t think I’ll be taking them in August because of the heat, maybe at Easter. But whenever I see the costs of going these days I really have to question if it’s worth it. Disney latest numbers weren’t great for theme parks so I wonder if the crazy cash extraction machine is finally at it’s peak and things we’ll get slightly more reasonable in future.

Disney will be in your top two most expensive holidays, but it quite probably won’t make it to their top ten. We all enjoyed Universal in LA, but really only thanks to a Fast Pass. My wife and a friend took the children to EuroDisney; luckily nobody liked it so Disney was off the agenda. The children much preferred riding the metro and Montmartre funicular.

They just want to be doing stuff with you, whatever it might be. We enjoy doing all manner of outdoor activities which not only keeps them away from screens, but also have the merit of perhaps being healthier and children being nicely tired so ready for bed at a suitable time. Sometimes sports camps for adults and children. Hotels which are totally child focused seem rather appealing on one level and doing the best for your children, but they are so expensive, really quite dull, food not good and we have found that wherever one goes, there are other children so they don’t miss out staying in little quirky places the parents might prefer. They might ultimately enjoy a real small village than a hotel compound.

[Mart16]

A great tale! Some of the figures here though, my goodness…………

[AJA]

@Froggee I am glad to read your SiL is a nice person. I never meant to imply she wasn’t and I hope that the next visit, whenever that may be, will be less frazzled for all of you. That said I think Cornwall sounds like a good shout for the next summer holiday. I look forward to the telling of it.

[SamG]

JDB wrote:

SamG wrote:

I too have been thinking about the right age for Disney but I don’t think I’ll be taking them in August because of the heat, maybe at Easter. But whenever I see the costs of going these days I really have to question if it’s worth it. Disney latest numbers weren’t great for theme parks so I wonder if the crazy cash extraction machine is finally at it’s peak and things we’ll get slightly more reasonable in future.

Disney will be in your top two most expensive holidays, but it quite probably won’t make it to their top ten. We all enjoyed Universal in LA, but really only thanks to a Fast Pass. My wife and a friend took the children to EuroDisney; luckily nobody liked it so Disney was off the agenda. The children much preferred riding the metro and Montmartre funicular.

They just want to be doing stuff with you, whatever it might be. We enjoy doing all manner of outdoor activities which not only keeps them away from screens, but also have the merit of perhaps being healthier and children being nicely tired so ready for bed at a suitable time. Sometimes sports camps for adults and children. Hotels which are totally child focused seem rather appealing on one level and doing the best for your children, but they are so expensive, really quite dull, food not good and we have found that wherever one goes, there are other children so they don’t miss out staying in little quirky places the parents might prefer. They might ultimately enjoy a real small village than a hotel compound.

I was a teenager when we went and I don’t actually remember much about all the theme parks – what I remember was the being in the USA and how amazing that was! If we do go to Florida I think we’ll have a much more balanced trip of some beach time, a villa, lots of exploring and a few days in either disney or universal depending on age/interests at the time

Otherwise I agree – we’ve been avoiding the child focused hotels and either doing lower key family friendly places with apartments or static caravans or this summer we’re going to Eurocamps on the ferry. Saving a fortune and everyone is having a great relaxed time!

[The Savage Squirrel]

Thanks for an epic, if eventful, report, Froggee – particularly the effort of typing it twice – it was worthh it; a great write-up! As someone who has just organised a multi-family multi-generational holiday (with the absolute impossibility of making everyone happy that this brings) you have my full understanding and sympathy regarding coping with relatives who are pleasant enough but have significant blindspots around where their behaviour is not entirely normal.

I stopped even trying to add up the over-and-above-what-you-planned-for costs fairly quickly – it would certainly be far above my “this upsets me” financial pain threshold (finely honed by long-time residence in Yorkshire).

I’d also agree with other posters that older than you think is the correct age for Orlando theme parks; for a 3-7 yr old it’s a lot of walking on concrete and yet many of the attractions will not be suitable. Tickets for one park group is enough, in fact more than enough, for a two week trip (“just” Disney is 5 theme parks and two water parks after all – and even kids will not want to go to a theme park every single day – while you most certainly won’t…).

I was almost looking forward to next year’s report: “Frogee ditches the wife and kids in Silicon Valley for two weeks and embarks on a solo U.S. road trip”, but I think I would miss Kermit and Freddo’s exploits, so a report about a family trip anywhere will be great 🙂

[TravelingPhil]

Fantastic report as always Froggee. Always an enjoyable read.

[Ladyshopper]

I always love reading your reviews Froggee. But crikey, the ££££ spent on this ‘holiday’ (that sounds like you need a holiday to recover from) are next level!

[AndyW]

Brilliant read as always, shame about the trip, especially for that level of expenditure.

Froggee do you write as part of your job, certainly a skill to keep a reader engaged – one that I have certainly lost sitting in front of screens, spreadsheets and numbers all day.