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I am old enough, grumpy enough and old-fashioned enough to have observed the emergence of too many depressing behavioural traits in recent years. So I thought I’d trouble you with my list of pet hates in the otherwise blissful Med.
Am I alone?
Hotels
– Your hotel does not need a pool: most of the Med has chronic water shortages, and it’s not cool to care so little about the environment. Swim in the sea.
– If your hotel has the word ‘Resort’ in the name, it’s not cool. You are visiting a fascinating foreign country; why would you want to isolate yourself from it?
– In the hotel bar or at breakfast, stop talking about yourself for a moment (I know it’s hard, but do try). Can you hear anyone else’s conversation? I thought not. Your life is less interesting than you think, so talk softly.
– The lady at breakfast in the silk dress, and the man in neatly pressed linen shorts have made an effort to look chic; you should show some respect by doing the same thing. Athleisure, running shoes, shapeless shorts and a baggy t-shirts have no place in sophisticated society.Food and restaurants
– Don’t reserve restaurants in advance; it’s no better manners than booking a sunbed by leaving out a towel at 0600. Live a little: if your first choice of restaurant is full, maybe you could go next door instead?
– Europeans don’t eat truffles with every meal. No-one wants their taverna to smell like a New York pizza joint, so only order truffles when they are in season and a normal part of the local cuisine.
– Stay away from restaurants described as Modern Greek, Modern Spanish, etc; the execrable food provided will be enjoyed only by narcissistic influencers with a clinical Instagram addiction.
– Service is always slow in good restaurants, as food should be a long, lingering celebration rather than a refuelling exercise. If you leave a poor online review for slow service, you show reveal a disturbing lack of class.Beaches
– If you are a man, it’s not acceptable to stroll along the beach with a feigned air of nonchalance. Sunbathing women will assume you are looking at their bodies, and they will probably be right.
– If you are a woman, don’t sunbathe near anyone whose swimwear is skimpier or less complete than yours. If you do, the other woman will assume your husband is looking at her rather than you, and she will probably be right.
– Whatever the question, a Bluetooth speaker is not the answer.
– There is no world in which it is acceptable to fly a drone over sunbathing bodies.
– If you are male and use your phone on the beach, people will assume you are taking photographs. Don’t spoil their day.Boats
– Your 60ft crewed catamaran not cool; it’s blingy and crass. Your on-board chef brings no benefit to the local economy, and you will stupidly miss the vibrant local restaurant scene. Cool sailors don’t need paid crew and always choose a monohull vessel.
– Your yacht has sails for a reason; use them rather than a noisy, polluting diesel engine. You should not be in a hurry on holiday, so there is no reason to use your engine.
– Never anchor in a remote cove where people walk for peace and tranquillity; you are not wanted there and you will spoil the day for everyone else. Either use a cove that’s inaccessible from land, or go to a vibrant beach where your boat will add to the atmosphere.
– Don’t sit on your boat staring at the beach. Women in skimpy swimwear will assume that you are looking at them, and they will probably be right.OK, Boomer.
Are you drunk again, grandma?
You do know classes you perceive as lower than you are allowed to holiday in the med as well
I fear you may be fighting a losing battle, @jj, maybe try somewhere other than Puerto Banus or Mykonos for your next holiday?!
Do you have an opinion about speedos?
Reminds me of abe Simpson.
Back in my day, we used to tie an onion around our waist, it was the style at the time…
If you’re in a halfway decent Spanish bar, you’ll be able to hear other people’s conversations, believe me.
At least the ‘you dont need a swimming pool’ one was at the top, so you knew it was a comedy post right away 🙂
@slidey, definitely not meant to be taken seriously but intended to carry a faint whiff of truth in parts. @freckles, most of the badly behaved people I mention have far more money than me and would probably see themselves as classier. And, @NorthernLass, you are correct that Mykonos and Santorini were not far away; involuntarily overhearing several load, self-important conversations, I’ve concluded that including a resort (with pool, preferably infinity) on one of those islands in an itinerary is a Not A Good Thing.
@jj, I mostly find that ‘monied’ and ‘classy’ do not necessarily correlate 😉
Thanks for the chuckle! I will try and ensure my linen shorts are neatly pressed in future.
We went to Santorini in the vaguely off season of April. Actually really enjoyed it as the instagram crowd of course hadn’t yet arrived and we like being involved in the local events like Greek Orthodox Easter (a week after ours), esp Good Friday in Pyrgos and then the crazy fireworks on Easter Saturday at midnight (described by the owner of our hotel as like being in Baghdad and he wasn’t wrong). Those Greeks are crazy!
I certainly wouldn’t go to Santorini at this time of year, is probably awful, but out of main season we really enjoyed it as a relatively peaceful place to go with nice walks and places to see and good food if you look carefully
Who told you about bluetooth @jj?
I’m now suspicious that you are really the geriatric you claim to be.@jj has a very valid point on at least two points within my ken and he is almost certainly right on many of the others.
1. swimming in the sea (vs a pool) is just such a fantastic pleasure and privilege. I am a loss to understand why people might wish to sit around a pool like sausages on a barbecue, let alone then swim in said chemically pool. The pictures in many reviews of such ‘luxury’ hotel pools defy belief.
2. I don’t know why going on holiday causes some people to dress like ragamuffins or as if they are about to attend a football match. Apart from anything else, it is an extreme discourtesy to your partner not to dress smartly/appropriately, notably for dinner. It never ceases to amaze me that people turn up to smartish hotels in a track suit and then complain they weren’t upgraded. Quelle surprise. Likewise getting into restaurants or getting a good table.
The democratisation of travel has had many positive aspects but for anyone genuinely interested in history, art or experiencing original experiences, local culture and real life (ie usually avoiding ‘resorts’) it’s certainly getting harder to keep ahead of the game, although speaking many languages helps considerably. Although our children might at the time conceptually have preferred going to overpriced theme parks, water parks or other children based places, they never did but we are rather honoured how much they now appreciate the ridiculous ‘adventure’, culture or sports holidays we imposed on them. I’m glad also they they know, without any parental interference, to dress appropriately on holiday.
😂
Your manners are clearly as out of date as you say. Not a very inclusive post at all.
Rule no1
One mustn’t mention the only part of the 5* holiday paid for is the taxi from the airport, as hotel and flights were paid with Avios and hotel points.
(Unless there is an Amex referral opportunity) 🙂Monohull yachts are no good when two families enjoy going on holiday together.
We went to Santorini in the vaguely off season of April. Actually really enjoyed it as the instagram crowd of course hadn’t yet arrived…
I certainly wouldn’t go to Santorini at this time of year, is probably awful, but out of main season we really enjoyed it as a relatively peaceful place to go…
Yeah I don’t see why people go to southern Europe in July/August, it’s unbearable while it’s the only few months of the year that the UK (+ northern Europe) is bearable for me. I enjoy the Mediterranean from February to April and October to November.
Having young children changes things somewhat but you can still go to southern Europe in half-terms and Easter (if we go skiing it will be in Canada and Japan).
Monohull yachts are no good when two families enjoy going on holiday together.
@Richie, you have a fair point: my objection was to conspicuous consumption, not to having one’s needs met. I will grant you an honourable exception to the monohull rule if you have a party of more than eight provided you don’t hire a chef and observe all the other rules about boats.Some of the points are spot on…
– Bluetooth speakers in a shared space are abhorrent pieces of equipment. What level entitlement must the individual have to assume that we all want to listen to their (usually dreadful) taste in music.
– Making an effort to dress respectively for breakfast appears to be a forgotten courtesy paid to your fellow diners. It almost certainly relates to the fact most people have just dragged themselves hungover from their bed about five minutes before they arrive for breakfast I guess.
Some I don’t agree with…
– If I want to listen to some music privately (through earphones), I will invariably need to lift my phone on occasions to change the tune. There are other reasonable uses for using your phone as well. People should get over themselves if they think I have any interest in their lives.
– I cannot stand swimming in the sea. Hate it with an absolute passion.
– The lady at breakfast in the silk dress, and the man in neatly pressed linen shorts have made an effort to look chic; you should show some respect by doing the same thing. Athleisure, running shoes, shapeless shorts and a baggy t-shirts have no place in sophisticated society.
Definitely not.
I void my bowels immediately after breakfast, so it’s always clean teeth, tidy up hair, dress lightly in baggy shorts, shapeless t/hoody and slip-on trainers. Go down and have breakfast.
Finish breakfast, start to feel the morning cramps, board the lift sweating with anxiety that today will be the day that the lift sticks, the cramps tease my anxiety further, deep breaths, sprint along the corridor to the room, evacuate!
Shave, shower, and then put on my silk blend polo, tidy fitted shorts and appropriate footwear ready to start the day.
– The lady at breakfast in the silk dress, and the man in neatly pressed linen shorts have made an effort to look chic; you should show some respect by doing the same thing. Athleisure, running shoes, shapeless shorts and a baggy t-shirts have no place in sophisticated society.
Definitely not.
I void my bowels immediately after breakfast, so it’s always clean teeth, tidy up hair, dress lightly in baggy shorts, shapeless t/hoody and slip-on trainers. Go down and have breakfast.
Finish breakfast, start to feel the morning cramps, board the lift sweating with anxiety that today will be the day that the lift sticks, the cramps tease my anxiety further, deep breaths, sprint along the corridor to the room, evacuate!
Shave, shower, and then put on my silk blend polo, tidy fitted shorts and appropriate footwear ready to start the day.
Andrew, god bless you, your IBS and your honesty
– The lady at breakfast in the silk dress, and the man in neatly pressed linen shorts have made an effort to look chic; you should show some respect by doing the same thing. Athleisure, running shoes, shapeless shorts and a baggy t-shirts have no place in sophisticated society.
Definitely not.
I void my bowels immediately after breakfast, so it’s always clean teeth, tidy up hair, dress lightly in baggy shorts, shapeless t/hoody and slip-on trainers. Go down and have breakfast.
Finish breakfast, start to feel the morning cramps, board the lift sweating with anxiety that today will be the day that the lift sticks, the cramps tease my anxiety further, deep breaths, sprint along the corridor to the room, evacuate!
Shave, shower, and then put on my silk blend polo, tidy fitted shorts and appropriate footwear ready to start the day.
Andrew, god bless you, your IBS and your honesty
Quite. Medical exemptions are available for several of the original set of rules.
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